60 Ways to Keep Your Husband’s Love
- Behave like a female, i.e. all the tenderness of a female–a man doesn’t want a man for his wife!
- Dress pleasantly/attractively. If you are a home-maker, don’t stay in your sleeping suit all day.
- Smell good!
- Don’t lay out all your problems on your husband as soon as he walks in. Give him a little mental break.
- Don’t keep asking him, “what are you thinking?”
- Stop nagging non-stop before Allah ta’ala gives you something really to complain about.
- Absolutely no talking about your spousal problems to anyone you meet, not even under the pretense of seeking help! If you think you want to solve legitimate marital issues, then go seek counseling with the right person who can give advice in either:
- Mediate any injustice done so any wrong can be corrected and the couple can reunite in harmony, or
- Amicable divorce
- Be kind to your mother-in-law the same way you would like your husband to be kind to your own mother.
- Learn all the rights and obligations of each other in Islam. Focus on fulfilling your obligations, not demanding your rights
- Race to the door when he comes home, as if you were waiting for him. Smile and hug him.
- Keep your house clean, at least to the level that he wants it.
- Compliment him on the things you know he’s not so confident about (looks, intelligence, etc.) This will build his self-esteem.
- Tell him he’s the best husband ever.
- Call his family often.
- Give him a simple task to do at home and then thank him when he does it. This will encourage him to do more.
- When he’s talking about something boring, listen and nod your head. Even ask questions to make it seem like you’re interested.
- Encourage him to do good deeds.
- If he’s in a bad mood, give him some space. He’ll get over it, inshaAllah.
- Thank him sincerely for providing you with food and shelter. It’s a big deal.
- If he’s angry with you and starts yelling, let him yell it out while you’re quiet. You will see your fight will end a lot faster. Then when he’s calm, you can tell him your side of the story and how you want him to change something.
- When you’re mad at him, don’t say “YOU make me furious”, rather, “This action makes me upset”. Direct your anger to the action and circumstance rather than at him.
- Remember that your husband has feelings, so take them into consideration.
- Let him chill with his friends without guilt, especially if they’re good guys. Encourage him to go out, so he doesn’t feel “cooped up” at home.
- If your husband is annoyed over a little thing you do (and you can control it), then stop doing it. Really.
- Learn how to tell him what you expect without him having to guess all the time. Learn to communicate your feelings.
- Don’t get mad over small things. It’s not worth it.
- Make jokes. If you’re not naturally funny, go on the internet and read some jokes, and then tell them to him.
- Tell him you’re the best wife ever and compliment yourself on certain things you know you’re good at.
- Learn to make his favorite dish.
- Don’t ever, EVER talk bad about him with friends or family unnecessarily. If they end up agreeing with you, you will see that it hits you back in the face because you get more depressed that you have a bad husband–and other people also think you have a bad husband.
- Use your time wisely and get things accomplished. If you’re a home-maker, take online classes and get active in your community. This will make you happy and a secondary bonus is that it impresses your husband.
- Do all of the above fee sabeelillah and you will see Allah put barakah in everything you do.
- Husband and wife should discuss and communicate with wisdom with each other to convey what they like and dislike of each other to do or not to do. Do NOT give commands or instructions like he’s your servant. “They are garment to each other” [Surah Baqarah, 2:187]
- Tell your husband you love him, many, many times. Aisha (رضالله عنها) narrated that the Prophet (صلي الله عليه وسلم) used to ask her how strong her love for him, she said like “a knot.” And the next time he would ask her, “How is that knot?” He also used to reply to her saying, “Jazzakillah, O Aishah, wallahi, you have not rejoiced in me as I have rejoiced in you.”
- Have a race with your husband and let him win, even if you are much fitter and stronger than him.
- Keep fit and take care of your health so you will remain a strong mother, wife, cook and housekeeper, inshaAllah you will not get FAT and frumpy.
- Refine and cultivate good mannerisms i.e do not whine, don’t laugh or talk too loud or walk like an elephant.
- Do not leave the house without his permission and certainly not without his knowledge.
- Make sure all his clothes are clean and pressed so he is always looking fresh and crisp.
- Don’t discuss important/controversial matters with him when he is tired or sleepy. Find right time for right discussion.
- The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.
- Always let him know that you appreciate him working and bringing home the “dough”. It makes it easier for him to go to work.
- Make sure you ALWAYS have something for dinner.
- Brush your hair, everyday.
- Don’t forget to do laundry.
- Surprise him with gifts. Even necessities, such as new shoes, can be gifts.
- Listen to him. (Even when he talks about extremely boring things like basketball or computers.)
- Try (hard as it might be) to take interest in his hobbies.
- Try not to go shopping too much … and spend all his money.
- Look attractive and be seductive towards him. Flirt with him.
- Learn tricks and “techniques” to please your husband in intimacy. (Of course goes both ways.)
- Prepare for special evenings with him with special dinner and exclusive time (no children permitted).
- Take care of your skin, especially your face. The face is center of attraction.
- If you not satisfied intimately, talk to him and tell him. Help him or provide resources, don’t wait until matters become worse.
- Ask Allah to strengthen and preserve the bonds of compassion and love between the two of you, every day, every prayer. Ask him to protect that bond from Shaytaan. When a lesser devil destroys the love between spouses, he is the most beloved of Shaytaan. Nothing works like du’ah, and love only exists between spouses where Allah instills it.
- Don’t EVER compare your husbands to other husbands! For example don’t say, “well her husband doesn’t do that, why do you …” (thats a killer!)
- Be happy with what you have because no one is perfect. If you want perfection, wait until you enter Jannah together inshaAllah–and of course, vice versa!
- Strive for Allah’s love first and foremost! if all wives try to seek Allah’s love and pleasure, surely, they can keep their husbands love too. And remember–if Allah loves you, the angels will love you, and the entire creation will love you.
- If you pack a lunch for your husband to take to work, from time to time sneak in a little love note or sweet poem. If he doesn’t take a lunch, leave the note somewhere else for him to find, like in his briefcase, or wallet or on the car steering-wheel
- Wake him up for Qiyam ul-Layl (in the last third of the night) and ask him to pray with you.
May Allah preserve all of our marriages and help us understand and implement them in and with the best of manners, ameen! InshaAllah if you know more ways, post them in the comments and share the benefit.
(For brothers, check out 60 Ways To Keep Your Wife’s Love, and the romance alive! by shaykh Ahmed Shehab)
Source (and more tips): Ways to Keep Your Husband’s Love – AlMaghrib Forums
‘Ali raḍyAllāhu ‘anhu came home one day from a journey that he had been dispatched on by the Prophet Muhammed ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam, to find his wife, Fatima, the daughter of the Prophet, radiya Allahu ‘anha brushing her teeth with a siwak – twig of an Arak (Salvadora persica) tree used for brushing teeth. Spontaneously, he, raḍyAllāhu ‘anhu, spouted out poetic endearment:
هنئت يا عود الأراك بثغرها … أما خشيت يا أراكُ أراك
لو كان غيرك يا سواك قتلته … ما فاز منى يا سواكُ سواك
Fortunate are you O twig of the Arak tree,
Have you no fear of me observing you in this embrace
If it were other than you…O Siwak! I would have killed you!
None found this fortune of embrace before me, but you.
I get emailed & facebooked often from couples trying to salvage and mend broken trust and exponentially inhospitable relationships. I usually respond within a couple of weeks, detailing my unwillingness to “counsel” from a virtual distance that begets unilateralism. Horror stories of infidelity, violence, and arrogance abound. Naturally, there is no greater issue facing the Muslim communities of the West that is more pressing and multidimensional than that of family relations.
The statistics are frightening, imams are untrained in effective counseling methods, mosques are under pressure, Islamically-oriented marital counselors are unheard of and professionalism in terms of confidentiality seem non-existent.
An important dimension of domestic marital problems, as I see, is that the Sunnah of Love and Gallantry seems to be overlooked or dismissed as a long-gone era. The Sunnah, that is taught at times, seems to overlook amazing instances of passion, valor, fidelity and sacrifice in the name of true love. Instances from the life of the Prophet sala Allahu ‘alihi wasSalaam and his companions builds a comprehensive system of devotion – a Sunnah of Love.
Love. The real kind – the genuine love between a man and his wife that stems from a seed of love that is planted by Allah in the hearts of those who are true in submission to the Dispenser of Love and Comfort.
Houb in Arabic is derived from the same root for the word Haab – seed. The nature of the two words is functionally similar.
Love begins as a tiny speck – a seed that is buried deep in the folds of a receptive heart, carrying the potential of stunning beauty, nourishing sustenance, exotic delicacy, wealth of commodity, shading shelter, and resurgent growth that is stabilized through deep roots that withstand trauma.
Amr ibn al-‘As raḍyAllāhu ‘anhu was appointed by the Prophet ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam to command an important mission. He was handpicked from many capable individuals who were in fact better than him. Feeling a sense of pride in being selected, he raḍyAllāhu ‘anhu asks the Prophet, in front of a congregation of Sahabah about who he ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam, loves? The Prophet ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam responds in the way that all of our wives would hope we would respond, by naming his wife, Aisha.
Consider that the Prophet would teach, ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam, that if we love a friend, we need to let them know it. It was with this hope that ‘Amr thought to ask that question after the favorable appointment was given to him.
Thinking that his question has been misunderstood he clarifies, saying that he meant from amongst the companions who did the Prophet ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam love? The Prophet ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam responds, “Her Father.”
‘Aisha raḍyAllāhu ‘anha, al-Humayra – The Rosy Cheeked one, as the Prophet ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam affectionately called her; Umm al-Mu’mineen – the Mother of the Faithful was loved and loved in return.
The Sunnah of Love is not whimsical or outrageously simplistic as you find depicted often in multibillion-dollar literary/theatrical sagas. No vampires competing with werewolves here. It is not ambivalent and shifty. It is built on mutual acceptance of the decree of the Divine in search of comfort, repose and peace of mind. It flourishes, paradoxically, in the mundanity of life. Finding fleeting moments of intimacy between stacks of dishes, soiled diapers, mounds of work emails, grocery lists and infinite commitments are its hallmark. A look that you receive as you rush out the door, a quick phone call itemizing how the day is going or an SMS that contains a list of groceries to buy on the way home punctuated with an I love You, are all indicators.
‘Aisha raḍyAllāhu ‘anha and the Prophet ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam would use code language with each other denoting their love. She asked the Prophet ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam how he would describe his love for her. The Prophet Muhammad answered, saying: “Like a strong binding knot.” The more you tug, the stronger it gets, in other words.
Every so often ‘Aisha would playfully ask, “How is the knot?” The Prophet ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam would answer, “As strong as the first day (you asked).”
So I begin to wonder, as should you, about what has happened to our community?
Why is it so hard to speak frankly of one’s love for his wife? Why is it “soft” for a brother to praise his spouse?
How is it the Prophet ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam can kiss his wife, as he exits to leave his home to lead the faithful in prayer and some in our community find it difficult to just smile?
How is it that the Prophet ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam can stop a whole army, in times of hostility in a region of the desert that had no water to camp near, to look for his wife’s misplaced bead necklace and some find it difficult to give a deserved compliment every now and again?
Since when is sternness considered leadership and harshness associated with married life?
How is it that the Prophet ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam can mend his clothes and look after the domestic affairs of his household, and a brother can’t put away a plate, let alone wash it unless the wife is sick?
How is it that the Prophet ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam can forbid upon himself milk infused with honey so as to please his wives, who complained of its scent, culminating in Allah revealing a chapter in the Qur’an forbidding the Prophet from forbidding the lawful upon himself, “Because you seek to please your wives (66:1).” Yet, some in our community will not even give the rightfully due to their wife?
How is it that the Prophet ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam teaches not to boycott a person for more than three days, and a brother can be out all day at work and feel apprehensive at the thought of returning home to a disgruntled partner who will give them the silent treatment over a petty squabble that has extended into weeks of dreary, isolating depression?
How is it that the Prophet ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam forbids a person to lead another man in prayer in his home without permission, yet some brothers due to constant bickering and negative criticism feel more like the help than the king of the castle?
Misreading the Sunnah, and not linking it to all matters of our life, including the mundane aspects is a justified criticism.
All of us learn through the course of our elementary studies of Islam that if you have no water, or if it is scarce, that you can perform Tayamum – ritual purification for prayer using sand or dust.
What you probably were not taught, and what was glossed over, was the fact that the permissibility and the legislation of that enormously important function were revealed because of the lost bead necklace.
You were not told that the love of the Prophet ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam for ‘Aisha resulted in him ordering a marching army to stop at a location without water and camp out at night with a dwindling supply of water for their consumption. Her father, Abu Bakr raḍyAllāhu ‘anhu, was furious with her for mentioning what, to him, seemed to be a trivial matter.
You were not told how the Prophet ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallamordered the troops to look for a necklace in the sands of the Arabian Desert, all for the comfort of ‘Aisha. You were, probably, not informed how verses in the Qur’an descended upon the Prophet ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam at such an occasion resulting in the joyous celebration of the Sahabah for the ease that Allah has provided for our Ummah as a result of this occurrence.
That is the Sunnah of Love. You look after the near, even if it may inconvenience the far.
You would have heard that the Prophet ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam mended his own shoes at times. What you may not have heard was how once as he was sitting in a room with ‘Aisha raḍyAllāhu ‘anha fixing his shoes, ‘Aisha happened to look to his blessed forehead and noticed that there were beads of sweat on it. Mesmerized by the majesty of that sight she remained transfixed staring at him long enough for him to notice.
The Prophet ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam said, “What’s the matter?” She replied, “If Abu Bukair Al-Huthali, the poet, saw you, he would know that his poem was written for you.” The Prophet ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam asked, “What did he say?” She replied,
“Abu Bukair said that if you looked to the majesty of the moon, it twinkles and lights up the world for everybody to see.”
So the Prophet ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam got up, walked to Aisha, kissed her between the eyes, and said,
“Wallahi ya Aisha, you are like that to me and more.”
That is the Sunnah of Love.
From the earliest days of Islam, ‘Ali radiya Allahu ‘anhu was a continuous witness of the life habits of Rasool-ul-Allah ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam. He was a witness to Love.
‘Ali, raḍyAllāhu ‘anhu, arrived home to find the love of his life relaxing at home. No foreshadowing asserts anything special about the occasion or day. No fancy marketing to fleece customers of hard earned money. No gimmicks or convoluted infatuations promising a happily ever after proportional to carat size. It is just a man coming home after a long day at work. What he finds there is the greatest attainment any man could dream to possess, and hopefully retain – a wife whose presence fills him with joy.
The Prophet Muhammad, ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said: “The world and all things in the world are precious but the most precious thing in the world is a virtuous woman.”
Virtuous, not, exclusively, in terms of the length of prostration or in devotion to religious obligations but rather as he, ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam, once informed ‘Umar:
“Shall I not inform you about the best treasure a man can hoard? It is a virtuous wife who fills him with joy whenever he looks towards her.”
It is not love at first sight, rather exponential love with every glance.
Ya Allah, put love between our spouse and us and allow us comfort and mercy in our home.
Ya Allah, spread love and peace throughout the Ummah of Muhammed ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam
O Allah grant us Your Divine Love
O Allah grant us the love of those who Love You
O Allah grant us the love of doing the things that earn Your Divine Love
Yahya Adel Ibrahim.
I have a distinct memory of my husband and I holding hands as we drive to Tarawih prayers. He is wearing a crisp white thobe and, as we drive along the freeway, a cool breeze drifts in through the windows. He recites Qur’an along the way, a soft recitation just audible above the humming sounds of cars and trucks outside. Such a moment is so simple, yet I can still remember the feeling in my hands, and it makes me smile every time.
Ramadan can be a beautiful month for you to connect with your spouse, to utilize the safe haven it provides away from Shaytan, with the increased remembrance of Allah, and the increased levels of worship taking place in your lives together. Unfortunately, this month becomes thirty days of frustration and resentment simmering beneath the surface because couples fail to create a focused goal they are both striving towards together.
In this article I am going to tackle some key areas of tension Muslim couples face in Ramadan and practical solutions to tackle them, insha’Allah.
Less Food, More Worship!
I find iftaar time really special with my husband. The kids and I set out the dates, start filling up cups with water, and we all wait together for Maghrib to arrive. I think it is an honor to hand my husband a date and glass of water for him to break his fast with, to rush to serve him, and share in the quiet space while we make du’a upon breaking our fast. The evening is quiet outside, the sky is beautiful, and we pray Maghrib together as a family. There is no rush, and as we all sit down at the table, after a busy day that took place while fasting, we reconnect and relax over a hot meal before preparing to leave for Tarawih prayers.
In many households, however, iftaar time is stressful and definitely not spiritual. One of the main reasons for this is hosting large and regular iftaar parties in the home. While it is wonderful to earn the reward of feeding those who are fasting, honestly,this trend of having to host and entertain to exhaustion has to stop. This practice affects mainly women because they are the ones expected to do all the cooking, cleaning, and prep work involved for hosting large iftaar parties. It robs a wife of time and energy better spent in greater acts of worship, and creates a strain between her and her husband. She often feels overwhelmed with the amount of work involved, with whiny children in the background who are getting ignored. There is no time to connect with her husband, her children, or feel loved and appreciated because both are busy running around for guests and, once meal time is over, her husband is out the door for Tarawih, leaving her to do the clean up. Do this once, maybe twice in the entire month of Ramadan, on a weekend when there is more time to help each other out, but not throughout the week or on a regular basis.
The goal of Ramadan is less food and more worship! You can entertain friends all year long – and cook for them whatever you would like – but this month is a time to recharge your “iman battery,” to have extra time to reflect on your character, and to cultivate new spiritual practices.
Too many social gatherings not only prevent you from this extra time, they also keep you away from your spouse. “But we live together, we have all year to spend time together,” you might be thinking. Let’s look at this the other way around: You have all year to spend time with friends, but only this one month to revisit what marriage means at its highest level, to strive the hardest in honoring and serving your spouse, this beautiful human being put into your life, the person that allowed you to complete half your deen. You both desperately need time to reconnect on what matters most, to realign yourselve as individuals, then as a couple, with the greatet purpose of your beating heart, which is to worship Allah (glorified and exalted be He) with every action.
Serve each other, donate together, recite Qur’an near one another. Hold hands, share long hugs, make du’a for each other, even kiss one another while fasting as our beloved Prophet (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) was reported to have done with Aisha while he was fasting. Put each other and your family first before the rest of the world. Soon enough, the fast pace of life will return, Shaytan will be back trying to interfere in your happiness, and the energy of this beautiful month will slowly fade.
Having focused on each other and on your love and commitment to one another, as well as to fear Allah in the way you treat each other, to seek His pleasure in the way you love your wife and respect your husband—the barakah of this month will continue in your marriage throughout the year insha Allah.
And that is true romance isn’t it? Love, affection, words. and touch all with the remembrance of Allah, with the angels busy writing down each exchanged glance and kind word between the both of you, preparing for you a palace in Jannah.
Suggested Planning Activity for Couples
Write up your personal Ramadan goals together over dinner and include one goal as a couple that you want to celebrate on Eid. It could be hugging each other every morning before your husband heads to work, reading a book and discussing it, planning out which evenings you’ll make space for intimacy, or letting go of small issues for a harmonious home life. Romance doesn’t just “happen” all the time; a successfully married couple plans the space for romance so that when you greet each other you can relax, tune in and connect.
Al-Qaadee ‘Iyaadh said:
“There has been many authentically narrated ahaadeeth which illustrate the very loving relationship the Messenger (صلى الله عليه و سلم) used to have with his family, his cheerful and upbeat character. Likewise this was how the righteous salaf used be. Imam Maalik used to say regarding having a kind, loving relationship with one’s spouse, “It pleases your lord, it gains the love of your wife, it increases your wealth and it expands your lifespan – this is what has reached us from the statements of some of the Companions of the Prophet (صلى الله عليه و سلم).” Incidentally, during his time, Imaam Maalik was amongst those who were well-known for treating their wives and children very well. And he used to say, “A man should always strive to make the people of his household love him (more), to the point that he becomes the most beloved person to them.”
The translation has been taken from the book: “The martial life of the Prophet (صلى الله عليه و سلم). The arabic can be found below on page 32
قال عمر رضي الله لرجل هم بطلاق إمرأته: لم تطلقها؟ : قال لا أحبها فقال عمر: أو كل البيوت بنيت على الحب؟ فأين الرعاية و التذمم
‘Umar (ra) once said to a man who wanted to divorce his wife, “Why do you want to divorce her?” The man said: I don’t love her. ‘Umar then replied: “Is every house build upon love? Where is the consideration of the oath of marriage?”
Shaykh Riad Ouarzazi
20 Points to Love
- Exchanging gifts, (It develops love between you two) it does not have to be materialistic.
- Spend time together. Just you and your wife. (Vise versa)
- “The look of love”. Just by looking at your wife you should know what she likes.
- Warm greetings.
- Praise the wife. Never compare her with someone else. Applies both ways
- Participate together in the household chorus. Your work is not only outside!!
- Kind words, they are Sadaqah.
- Spend time OUT together.
- Peaceful gatherings.
- Husband has to be balanced with the YES/NO.
- Show your interest, support, and care.
- Change your routine. Surprise her/him.
- Pamper her/him.
- Don’t hide your feelings. You should be able to talk to each other (Never in front of the children).
- Call her/him by her/him beautiful names
- Don’t talk about your problems before bed.
- Show THANKS…Jazakallahu Khair
- Contemplate the Seerah.