That’s not how a man should act

Walid As-Saeedan was asked: “شيخ هل من نصيحة لزوج دائما يتحدث بسوء عن زوجته ويكذب في ذلك وهو يستهزئ بها…ويفعل هذا حتى يري الناس أنه رجل فحل والله المستعان! ”

Meaning: Shaykh can you provide good advice to a husband who always talks ill of his wife in front of others (and these are lies) – and he does this he does so that he can put down his wife and feel more like a man in front of others. 
Answer: 

الحمد لله رب العالمين، هذا يعتبر في الطب النفسي نقص في الشخصية…فهو يريد أن يكمل شخصيته أمام نفسه وأمام الناس بالإساءة إلى من أمره الله عز وجل والنبي صلى الله عليه وسلم بالإحسان إليها واحترام مشاعرها وإكرام إنسانيتها بل إن النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم علق الخيرية على خيريته لها وأمره أن يقوم بحقوقها وأوصاه خيرا باحترامها وأن لا يسيء إليها بقول أو فعل. أين هذه الوصايا؟ 

أويختزلها الزوج حتى يبرز شخصيته ويثبت أنه بطل أو أنه شجاع فأنا أقسم بالله أنه رجل بدون إساءته إلى زوجته واقسم أنه شجاع بدون الإساءة إلى هذه المسكينة فلا يجوز لنا أن نسيء إليهن لا باقوالنا ولا بأعمالنا يقول الله عز وجل: وعاشروهن بالمعروف ويقول الله تعالى: ولهن مثل الذي عليهن بالمعروف ويقول الله عزوجل ومن آياته أن خلق لكم من أنفسكم أزواجا لتسكنوا إليها وجعل بينكم مودة ورحمة ويقول النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم خيركم خيركم لأهله وأنا خيركم لأهلي ويقول صلى الله عليه وسلم: استوصوا بالنساء خيرا في وسنن أبي داود من حديث حكيم بن معاوية عن أبيه عن النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم أنه سأل النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم فقال: يا رسول الله ما حق زوج أحدنا عليه؟ فقال أن تطعمها إذا طعمت وأن تكسوها إذا اكتسيت وأن لا تهجرها إلا في البيت وأن لا تقبح ما معنى تقبح؟ أن لا تقول في وجهها الأمر القبيح إياك أن تقبحها أو أن تسيء إليها أو تزدريها أو تسخر منها أو تستهزئ بها فلها إنسانية يجب احترامها ولها مشاعر يجب إكرامها ويكفي أنها تركت بيت والديها التي كانت معززة مكرمة وجاءت إلى بيت زوجها فحقها الإكرام لا الاهانة وحقها الاعلاء لا التسخط وحقها ابراز شأنها أمام صويحباتها وامام الناس لا انقاص شأنها ولا هدم أركان احترامها”
Meaning: All praise is due to Allah alone, the person who does this is certainly mentally handicapped – one who has a deficient personality. It would appear as though he wants to satisfy the void he feels in his personality by propping himself up and proving he is a man to himself and others by putting down his wife! 

Allah and His Prophet, may Allah praise him, have commanded that husbands be kind towards their wives and show respect for their feelings and respect for their humanity. 
Moreover, the Prophet , may Allah praise him, stated that the best of all are the best to their families. He ordered husbands to take care of their duties that are owed to their wives and he ordered that men not physically, verbally or psychologically abuse their wives…where is this husband from all of this? 
Will this husband simply forgo all of this for the sake of propping up his personality so that he can appear a hero in the eyes of those who are outside? Would he put down his wife so that it be said he is brave? 
By Allah a man is a man only when they do not harm their womenfolk!    

It is unlawful for a man to be abusive in any form towards a woman…Allah, the Exalted, says: “And live with them in kindness” and He says: “the rights of the wives [with regard to their husbands] are equal to the [husbands’] rights with regard to them”. Allah also says: “And among His wonders is this: He creates for you mates out of your own kind. so that you might incline towards them, and He engenders love and tenderness between you: in this, behold, there are messages indeed for people who think!”

The Prophet, may Allah praise him, said: “The best of you are the best to their wives and I am best to my wives.”

The Prophet, may Allah praise him, also said: “Treat women well”

In the Hadeeth found in Abu Dawood on the authority of Hakim bin Muawiayh, it states that the Prophet, may Allah praise him, was asked: “What is the right of one’s spouse upon them?” �He said: “When you eat, you feed your wife, when you get clothes – get them for your wife as well, and that you not be vile towards her and do not become ‘ugly’.” 

The meaning of ‘ugly’ in this context is that a person should not be evil towards his wife, not speak ill of her or put her down, or make fun of her or scoff at her or ridicule her. This is Haram. One must always respect his wife’s humanity, and her feelings and honour her. It is sufficient that she left her home, where she was respected and then came to the home of her husband, her right is that she is to be respected and honoured…not dishonoured or put down! One should speak highly of her in front of her friends and in front of people…one should never cut her down or break her down psychologically. Allah knows best.

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